LexTalk

  When I first read the question, “Which relationship has taught you the most about yourself?” I thought I was supposed to pick a person.

My husband? My mom? My step-kids?

But the longer I sat with it, the more I realized I don’t think I can choose just one.

Every important relationship in my life has introduced me to a different version of myself.

My Mom Taught Me Where I Come From

My relationship with my mom is one that continues to teach me, even though she isn’t physically here anymore.

Grief is strange like that.

You think losing someone means the relationship ends, but in some ways, it just changes.
I still find her in little things. A television show she loved. A movie that reminds me of her. A random coincidence that makes me stop for a second and wonder if maybe she’s saying hello.

Losing my mom taught me just how deeply I love people. It taught me how sentimental I am and how much meaning I attach to memories, traditions, places, and tiny moments that other people might overlook.

It also taught me that grief and happiness can exist in the same place.

I can miss her terribly and still laugh.

I can wish she were here and still build a beautiful life.

And I can carry pieces of her forward with me without living entirely in the past.

My Marriage Has Taught Me to Speak Up

Marriage has probably taught me more about communication than anything else in my life.

I’m naturally someone who gives a lot. I want the people I love to be happy. Sometimes that means I’ll swallow something that bothers me because I don’t want to create conflict.

Except I’ve learned that swallowing your feelings doesn’t actually make them disappear.

They just sit there.

Marriage has taught me that loving someone doesn’t mean agreeing all the time. It doesn’t mean never getting frustrated or hurt. Sometimes love looks like having the uncomfortable conversation instead of pretending everything is fine.

My husband and I aren’t perfect. Neither am I.

But some of the conversations that have been the hardest to have, also taught me the most about what I need, what matters to me, and how important it is for me to use my voice.

Becoming a Stepmom Introduced Me to a Version of Myself I Didn’t Know Yet

Then there is being a stepmom.

Oh boy.

Nothing could have completely prepared me for this role.

Being a stepmom has shown me how loving I can be, but it has also forced me to look at boundaries, respect, expectations, discipline, and what happens when I feel like my voice doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned that I can’t measure love by how much I give.

I can’t say yes to everything just because saying no makes me feel guilty.

I can love the kids and still expect them to contribute.

I can do nice things for them and still expect appreciation.

I can set boundaries without those boundaries meaning that I love them any less.

And I’m still learning.

There are moments when I question whether I handled something correctly. There are moments when I wonder if I should have been softer, firmer, quieter, louder, or handled something completely differently.

But maybe that’s part of parenting—and especially stepparenting.

You’re learning them while they’re learning you.

And Then There’s My Relationship With Myself

Maybe this is actually the relationship underneath all the others.

My relationship with myself has changed tremendously.

I’ve learned that I’m more sensitive than I sometimes want to admit.

I’ve learned that I’m fiercely loyal.

I’ve learned that when I love someone, I love them hard.

I’ve learned that I need boundaries even when setting them makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve learned that I crave creativity and need places where I can express myself.

I’ve learned that I can be strong and still have moments when I don’t feel strong at all.

And I’m learning that I don’t have to have everything figured out.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson.

So, Which Relationship Has Taught Me the Most?

I still don’t think I can choose one.

My mom taught me about love, loss, memories, and carrying someone with you.

My marriage has taught me about communication, partnership, forgiveness, and speaking up.

Being a stepmom has taught me about boundaries, patience, expectations, and loving people without completely losing myself in the process.

And every one of those relationships has shaped the relationship I’m still building with myself.

Maybe the people closest to us are mirrors.

Sometimes they show us the parts of ourselves we love.

Sometimes they show us the parts we need to work on.

And sometimes they introduce us to a version of ourselves we didn’t even know was there.

I think that’s why relationships can be so messy, beautiful, frustrating, heartbreaking, and important all at the same time.

They’re not just teaching us about other people.

They’re teaching us who we are.