LexTalk

Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?

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  Growing older, growing apart, and learning that friendship doesn’t have to come with so much pressure.

Yes. Absolutely. And I think the biggest difference is that I’ve learned to expect a lot less.

Now, before that sounds completely depressing, hear me out. Lol.

When I was younger, I poured so much time, energy, and effort into friendships and relationships. I wanted to be there for everyone. I wanted to maintain those connections, make memories, keep in touch, and be the kind of friend people could always count on.

And then life happened.

People grew up. People moved. People got married, had children, changed careers, and started building lives of their own.

And some of those people I once gave so much energy to?

They’re not even in my life anymore.

It’s strange when you really think about it. Someone can be such a huge part of your life at one point, and years later, you barely know anything about them.

Distance Has a Funny Way of Showing You Things

A few years ago, I moved approximately 3,000 miles away from the people and places I had known.

And I learned something about friendship that I wasn’t necessarily prepared for.

People didn’t really check on me.

They didn’t come visit.

Some of the people I thought would stay connected simply didn’t.

And I’m not saying that to make anyone feel guilty. I understand that traveling costs money. Life gets busy. People have responsibilities.

But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

Because moving that far away can be incredibly lonely.

You’re building an entirely new life while the people you once knew continue living theirs. 

And somewhere along the way, you realize that just because someone was important to your past doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be part of your future.

That’s a difficult realization.

“You Should Get Out and Meet People!”

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me.

“You should join a group!”

“Have you tried meeting people?”

“You should get out more!”

And listen, I know people mean well.

But sometimes those suggestions are just… exhausting.

Because here’s the thing.

I’m tired.

I work. I clean. I take care of responsibilities. I spend time with my husband and family. We try to experience new things together, make memories, and enjoy the life we’re building.

And I love that life.

It’s the family and the life I once wished for.

But that doesn’t mean I have unlimited energy.

Some days, by the time everything is done, I barely have enough time to take care of myself.

And when I finally get a little bit of free time?

Sometimes I don’t want to go anywhere.

Sometimes I don’t want to make plans.

Sometimes I don’t even want to talk.

Sometimes I just want to exist without another obligation hanging over my head.

And I don’t think that makes me a bad friend.

I think that makes me human.

Friendship Shouldn’t Feel Like Another Job

One thing I’ve come to believe as I’ve gotten older is that real friendships should be able to pick up right where they left off.

Maybe we haven’t talked in three weeks.

Maybe it’s been three months.

Heck, maybe it’s been a year.

But when we finally reconnect, I want it to feel natural.

No guilt trips.

No keeping score.

No “Well, you never called me.”

No pressure to constantly prove that we care about one another.

Because we all get busy.

We all fall behind.

We all have seasons where we’re barely keeping our own heads above water.

And sometimes the best kind of friendship is one where you can simply say, “Hey, I know it’s been a while. How are you?”

And the conversation flows like no time has passed.

Of course, friendships still require effort. I know that. And I recognize that there are relationships I probably should nourish more.

But I also think there’s a difference between making an effort and feeling obligated to constantly maintain someone’s expectations.

Maybe We’re All Just Trying to Get By

I don’t know if it’s the economy.

I don’t know if it’s the times we’re living in.

Maybe it’s just adulthood.

But doesn’t it feel like everyone is exhausted lately?

Everything costs more. Everyone has responsibilities. There’s always something that needs to be done, somewhere we need to be, or something demanding our attention.

And somewhere in all of that, we’re supposed to find time for ourselves, our families, our hobbies, our health, and our friendships.

It’s a lot.

So yes, I’ve lowered my expectations.

Not because I don’t value friendship.

Not because I don’t care about people.

And certainly not because I don’t want meaningful connections.

But because I’ve realized that sometimes people are doing the best they can with whatever energy they have left.

Including me.

What Makes a Good Friend to Me Now?

When I was younger, I might have said a good friend was someone who was always around. Someone who called regularly, made plans, and showed up for everything.

Today?

I think a good friend is someone who understands.

Someone who doesn’t take every unanswered message personally.

Someone who can celebrate your happiness without jealousy.

Someone who checks in because they genuinely care, not because they’re keeping score.

Someone who gives you grace when life gets overwhelming.

And someone who makes you feel like you matter, even when you haven’t seen each other in a while.

I don’t need a huge circle of friends.

I don’t need constant plans.

I don’t need someone texting me every single day.

But I do want friendships that feel mutual.

Because while I’ve learned to expect less, I haven’t stopped wanting to feel remembered.

And I think there’s an important difference between the two.

A Little More Grace, A Little Less Pressure

Maybe the biggest thing aging has taught me about friendship is that we’re all human.

We’re all navigating our own struggles, responsibilities, and changes.

Sometimes we have the energy to show up for everyone.

Sometimes we barely have the energy to show up for ourselves.

And sometimes we need someone to understand that silence doesn’t always mean we stopped caring.

I still believe in friendship. I still believe in meaningful connections. And I still hope to meet people who genuinely want to be part of my life.

I’m just no longer interested in forcing those connections.

I want friendships that feel peaceful.

Friendships that feel genuine.

Friendships where we can grow, change, disappear into our busy lives for a little while, and still find our way back to one another.

Because getting older has taught me that friendship isn’t about how often you talk. It’s about whether the connection still feels like home when you do.

And maybe, more than anything, we could all use a little more kindness and understanding these days.

Especially from one another.

What about you? Has your definition of a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older? Do you believe friendships need constant communication, or are you someone who can pick up right where you left off?

I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts.

With love,
Lex 

LexTalk | Life, Love & Everything in Between